Scotch on the rocks.

I feel like the only person I can call right now is supposed to be sleeping soundly 5 feet from me.

And even if I had someone to talk to, I don't know what I'd say. It's been ugly and it's over. I just feel like there's a lot pent up in me that I can't get out. I really chose the wrong week to give up drinking, and I really want to pour myself one, but I feel like I'm being tested. I'm going to stick to my word, save the drinking for Monday.

By then, I'm sure I'll really need it.
  • Current Music
    Bonobo feat. Bajka >> Nightlife

I'm sorry I've been distant

It's daybreak and the cold light is just beginning to break through the windows. I've stopped for a moment to breathe only because I've run out of boxes. It's been a long night.

I've been beating myself up about how things have gone down between Tiffany and I. I will be the first to admit, I've been a little gruffer than necessary. I've made some blunders and said more than I should time and again. I haven't always been the best boyfriend, but I usually try my hardest. But lately I've been believing the propaganda I've been reading about myself. That I'm no good, never nice, always angry and saying the wrong things, never cared and never will. I've been hearing all about my flaws and I'm even thinking, "Man, why's she even with this guy?"

Tiffany and I have been having altercations more often of late and with a level of violence I've never been a part of. She came home drunk on Vodka the other night and just _Tore into me. She pushed all my buttons and said everything she could to tick me off. And it worked. And I did the same. And I did all I could to keep my cool and keep away from her. And the next day I felt miserable that I'd partaken of any of it, which turned me around. Total whiplash. And I decided to let the side of me that cares about this girl run things until I found a new place.

Being bummed about it really got me thinking about where she and I are. She's got all of her friends hating me, and some of mine. She's a very good woman, but she's never satisfied me, so my eye continued to wander. There were some incidents early on in the relationship where we were still feeling each other out that deeply effected her and she's never let go, despite the copious amount of time that's passed. Our conversation last night was two hours long and everything she quoted me on came out of my mouth not less than a year ago. She's also been saying a lot about how she's done such and such and she got nothing in return. That's the worst part. I've given this girl everything I know how to give. I did everything I knew to do to make her happy. She still equates it with nothing at all.

But like I said, I decided to let the soft part of me take over. I guess showing my soft side was a mistake. I kinda knew it was. But I let it ride, listened to a little bright eyes and hummed along with the juliana theory as it played in my head. I was miserable because of the reprehensible jerk I knew I was.

We talked again today, and put a lot of things on the table. We talked for a long time and I really needed a hug, because I feel all alone in the world. She gave me a hug and didn't let go. I hugged her back tighter and one thing led to another and all of a sudden we were naked and she was crying. We'd gone too far. Either way, I'd taken the big upswing from the low low that I'd been feeling and the sudden relief of constriction from around my heart felt nice for a moment. Then things went to hell.

See, I'd told Tiffany that while I was here, she could count on me not dating anyone. I thought it the only respectful thing to do. I asked her to do the same, and she told me that she's got nothing going on and lie after lie after lie. this douche picks her up and takes her to a party at Leah's house. I do my thing, but just about 2am the gnawing is back in my gut, telling me what's coming. I tried to repress it, ignore it, fight it, the works. Nothing. I flip out a little. Call her 9 times. She says at 4:08 that she'll be home soon. It's almost 7 and she's not here.

but I guess we can rewind a bit to the part where I went running a few miles at 5am after taking a couple of sleeping pills because I have so god damn much nervous energy that I can't get rid of and I just needed to GO! I come back thinking she'll be back by the time I get there. Nope.

So I got the bags and I got the boxes and I started to gather my things. I blazed through the kitchen, gathering the things I wouldn't need for the week. I took down the art and gathered the chairs. I packed up the books and put my posessions close to the door, so that I can see that I'm almost out. I'm so full of hurt, and shock, and anger, that I don't know what to do with myself.

and I still can't cry.
  • Current Music
    Justine Electra - Killalady

Shoulda given up a while ago

I should not have acted as I did today. I was upset about Tiffany and I being over and I felt so alone and I slipped... inside her.

Then she left with a guy she lied to me about. The deck is stacked against this going any farther. There's no way to make it out alive, so we must strike our seperate paths.

This reads nothing like the torrent in my head. I quit.

Posted by ShoZu


Muschle Milk, on the other hand, is delicious!

I just got back from my first personal training session at Xsport gym, where I recently became a member. The sessions began with my trainer, Shane, attempting to convince me that I'm both underweight and fat. My diet is all wrong, and if I keep coming to the gym 5 days a week, I won't see any results. Apparently, no one makes any headway in the gym unless Shane is next to them. You need Shane.

He also tried to tell me that a 12 ounce burger has 16 grams of protein. And that beef in general is bad muscle building fuel stock. I disagree.

He then proceeded to take me down to the basement of the gym and kick my ass for half an hour. I did so many lunges my pants split. Stupid pants. I must say I got a lot out of my half hour in the way of sheer total body workout, but Shane also tried to convince me that I have to let a worked muscle rest 5-7 days before working it again to see the best results. He certainly made me unsure about what I'm supposed to do next.

Either way, I felt like he felt he had some secret that he would only share for just 5 easy payments of $59.99. No dice, Shane.

I'm going to continue to hit the gym, without the help of Shane or his fellow red sweatmongers. I get the feeling that it'll work out just fine so long as I keep at it.
  • Current Music
    Come On Eileen (in my head)

2 parades in one day!

Yesterday I got up early and biked over to the Tour De Fat which took place a block from my house in palmer square park. The makers of Fat Tire beer biked out from Colorado and commenced a spectacle.

The event wasn't as big as I'd imagined, but it was awesome being in a costumed bike parade blaring music throughout the neighborhood. The only bad part was the parade seemed to take place under the only rain cloud in the sky, so while there was sunshine just a few hundred feet ahead of us, we were getting poured on.

After the tour, we sat down in the park and listened to Paper Bird, who as great and sounded like a cross between Beirut and Cocorosie with Feist as the lead singer. There were three sirens making the vocals and when they raised their voices in harmony I got goosebumps. If they come back to town, I'll be in attendance for sure!

I had to leave before their set was through because I had a second interview at a French restaurant downtown, so I got suited up and biked over. I thought my butt was going to fall off by the time I got there from biking so much, but I made it to the interview in high spirits and I think the GM really liked me. Cross your fingers for me.

I jetted out of there to join the Zombie March starting off in Millenium Park. I
Met up with Tiffany and Teresa and a guy named Sal was generous enough to share his quart of fake blood with us so I could get in character. My second parade of the day was not as organized as the first as even the zombie leadership didnt seem to have planned beyond "Lets get a bunch of zombies rolling through the streets of Chicago," but I had fun none the less.

That took a lot out of us, so we grabbed some Wendys and went back to my place for a nap. Rejuvinated, we biked out to Oak Park to celebrate Andrews birthday with beers and BBQ. I had a great time there until the end, but I met some really cool people and ate some delicious food.

Yesterday was hands down the best Saturday I've had in quite a while. I don't know if today can compare.
  • Current Music
    Paper Bird

It's the freakin weekend, I'm gonna have me some fun

Okay, this weekend hasn't exactly been the most exciting ive ever had, but it wasn't too shabby either.

Friday I went downtown with Blas to Bistro 110 where I had 2 promising interviews in a row. After, I wandered downtown with tiffany for a while and purchased some mad fly kicks from Nordstrom Rack. After, we went to Finn McCools for all I can eat hot wings. I got my usual table directly adjacent the buffet and had my fair share over Blue Moons.

Back home to watch The Take with John Leguazamo, which was intense from begining to end. I dug it. Well, I shouldn't say begining to end, as we paused it halfway through as we went on a 3 mile run with Martin.

Saturday started off with breakfast with the people who woke up in my house, which was good, followed by a few hours of nothing, then a trip to my uncle Oscars for my cousin Davids birthday. He turned 15.

After I ate too much, Tiffany took [Unknown LJ tag] sick and we went home. We watched Without A Paddle, which I could have lived my life without seeing, and made some delicious pizza. I began reading and am subsequently halfway through Number: The Language of Science. I'm kinda digging it, but not as much as Albert Einstein, who apparently enjoyed it immensely.

Today we went and visited my pa for pa's day. It was good seeing him. After that we went to St Michaels Festival which was a bust. No one was there and the beer vendor had already packed up for the day. All we got out of it was a Miller Chill, which is less bad than Bud Light with lime.

Now I'm sitting in the laundrymat and my clothes are about done. Time to practice my Japanese shirt folding technique!

Blog test

Originally uploaded by anath47
ive had this flickr account for quite some time now and ive only today begin using it. Let's see if I can get into it.

(Please ignore this entry btw, this is a test . Integration is now complete! =)

Unemployed and underworked

I gotta tell you guys, these past 2 weeks have been pretty sweet. Ive gone windsurfing on a private beach in Michigan, enjoyed quite a few summer days, and eaten more thick and juicy steaks than the rest of the year combined!

That said, being unemployed is uncomfortable for me. I'm okay being poor, tightening my belt and making it work, but I really do like to be productive. Ive been searching for jobs but the going has been slow.

I'm headed out again today to do some followups, so something should come of it. I gotta say tho, I am digging having my weekends off!